I have not disappeared, though I am transforming.
Long-time followers of my blog may know that this space has undergone several metamorphosizes over its lifetime. One of my earliest and most popular posts heralds back from 2009, The Invisible Backpack of Able-Bodied Privilege Checklist. It too has revised and changed over time, as I have.
The past year, 2019, was a particularly dark and transformative chapter of my life. Changes too monstrous and sharp to write about at the time.
It’s only fair that I warn you my next sentence is going to be A LOT to take in if you don’t already know what’s happened.
In July, Kevin, my fiancée and partner of seven years passed away from a heart attack, and three weeks before he died, I found out I had a miscarriage, when I thought we’d be leaving with ultrasound photos.
I’ll pause here in case you need a moment. Please go get a tea, hug someone, or whatever self-care works for you if you need to.
I haven’t always been public about that second part, but it’s a part of my story, and a part of a lot of people’s stories. It’s something no one should have to hide unless they want to.
Please know that I am okay, as okay as I know how to be right now. I have a lot of support, human and cat love, goals, and the occasional times of dark aching abyss. If you’re genuinely interested in my grief process, my Instagram account is where some of that lives, not so much here.
I tell you this now so you, dear reader, will know what you are getting into as you stay with me through this transformation.
The foundation of this blog has always been that personal is political. That will not change.
I do expect that the content will be more challenging, for both you and me. There will be triggers here. I will do my best to warn you, but that cannot always be guaranteed. I will not be offended if you find you cannot continue.
I have a couple of goals to share with you.
- I aim to write at least once or twice a month this year, not including re-posts or events.
- I inherited a lot of books from Kevin, and I’ll be exploring them here too.
- I also want to hear more from you, and I’m going to be exploring new ways to make that possible.
Welcome back to the journey, dear reader, and thanks for sticking with me.
With love and solidarity,
One thought on “The Story of Where I’ve Been”
I was glad to receive your email today. You had been in my thoughts periodically, but I understood because I feel that we have been on a similar journey.
On April 27,2019 my beautiful little brother Randy Ferguson died after living with cystic fibrosis for over 57 years. He is my motivation, inspiration, best friend and source of joy and at times, a royal pain in the butt when we were young.
Adjusting to this new normal is not something that I would allow myself to think about or plan for, though it has been suggested by some that I had years to do so. No amount of foreshadowing could have prepared me to fill the hole in my heart left by Randy’s absence.
In the past months I have learned that his space in my mind and in my heart will always be his and I will keep him alive there surrounded still by my love and sweet memories.
We go on with determination and strength of spirit working towards our goals and aspirations. Kevin and Randy would expect no less.
Sending love and hugs,